James Galvin

BBC has news of two new movies from the Coen brothers. First is No Country for Old Men - an adaptation of a Cormac McCarthy novel by the same name. “Violence and mayhem ensue after a hunter stumbles upon some dead bodies, a stash of heroin and more than $2 million in cash near the Rio Grande” - sounds like vintage Coen territory. This will be competing for the Palme d’Or at Cannes next month We’ll forgive the dodgy title because it comes from a Yeats poem.

The article also mentions next year’s offering, Burn After Reading, which will be starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Frances McDormand. Wikipedia has a few notes:

Burn After Reading is a comedic spy caper with Clooney. A CIA agent (George Clooney won’t play that role) loses the disc of a book he is writing, which contains valuable information, and it’s up to him to get it back.

It’s great to see the duo back in action. They have really tied the industry together since they wrote and directed Blood Simple in 1984. They may have taken their eye off the ball a bit with their latest offerings (Tom Hanks = bad idea), but if their rambunctiousness and misdemeanoring is behind them, then I will be most eager in awaiting their upcoming releases. Fuckin’ A, man.

There is a very heavy hand marketing Borat, and I expect the jokes will get old very soon as a result. Hopefully Sascha Baron Cohen is planning something different, or has a couple of new characters in the works, because I would hate to see the impact of his humour lessened by over-exposure. But before the Borat phenomenon reaches saturation point (I’d give it two weeks) - here is a scene that didn’t make it into the movie:

If you’ve seen the film and are wondering about the parts that weren’t staged - here are some comments from the victims who came out worst, explaining how they got duped. Namely - the rodeo man, the car salesman, and the frat boy.

I have seen some really dumb movies in the past few weeks. First there was a story about a Mexican monk that wanted to be a wrestler. And it was enjoyable. Next up, I went to see the stupidest motherfucking movie of all motherfucking time. I thought it was great. Most recently, an office team-building weekend in Eastern Europe went horribly wrong, resulting in a guy having to stuff part of a leg into a fridge. Even that was entertaining. I’m not difficult to please - and even after these films with ridiculous plots I left the cinema with a smile on my face. So I cannot understand why it is that, with an amazing storyline and such great material to work with, the Wicker Man has failed so miserably.

Before you say it is my own fault for having high expectations, understand that I did not expect this to come within a million miles of the original. I acknowledge that the atmosphere of the 1973 release could never be reproduced, and the presence of Edward Woodward and Christopher Lee could not be equalled. Nonetheless, this is such a great story that even in a severely butchered form I still expected a quality film.

For anyone who doesn’t know, this is a romantic comedy, where Nicholas Cage stars as a policeman who visits an island and dresses up as a bear. A horror story unfolds another level, as a great classic is horribly burnt alive. I tried to forget that the original ever existed, but some lame tributes only served as a reminder that this was trespassing on hallowed ground with a bulldozer. The gripping themes which drove the original were not visited this time around, which meant the film had very little direction except as a disoriented unthriller. It is scripted and acted like a bad video game, and I am glad that I finally have proof of what I wanted to say all along but was never allowed: Nicholas Cage is a one-trick pony who fools people into mistaking his same old thing for good acting. He is suited to some parts, but was so unconvincing in the Wicker Man (spoiler):that when they finally decided to burn him to death I was delighted. The credits roll to the sound of a scream from Nicholas Cage: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH”. To misquote Meatball: he took the words right out of my mouth.

What were they thinking with those two blind women and their robot talk? What was Mountain Girl doing there? There is not a single good thing about this film, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I nearly walked out after 40 minutes. It wasn’t even “so bad its funny”, it was just bad and boring. Without a doubt, this was the worst remake since Sylvester Stallone starred in Get Carter. 0.5/10.

Via Sinéad, I have just become addicted to Library Thing. Its like a last.fm for books - catalogue all of your books, rate them, review them if you have time, and browse other catalogues. RSS feeds, tags, recommendations, and all that stuff included. My brand new account is here - so far I only just added whats within physical reach of me at the moment - will get around to the bulk of my collection hopefully next weekend. I can see myself wasting thousands of hours on this as I try to get every book cover right and all the ratings in place. The downside for my friends and family is I won’t be giving away any of my books when I finish them anymore, because from now on I’ll have to keep my catalogue in tact.

In other news, I was very impressed by Snakes on a Plane. I have never seen a film that takes the piss out of itself so thoroughly. I’m sure there are people who will consider every scene a classic. I hate when people refer to a movie as being “fun” but thats probably the best word to describe the appeal of this film… I would compare it to Dog Soldiers in that respect. I was pleased to see Todd Louiso had a part, following his recent role in Thank You For Smoking… I think he’s hilarious ever since his perfect performance as Dick, the record store nerd in High Fidelity, which constituted one half of the best comedy double-act ever, with Jack Black.

Speaking of the great JB, I also went to see Nacho Libre - very much a cross between School of Rock and Napoleon Dynamite. Not as entertaining as Snakes, but plenty of laughs if you think its funny to see Jack Black prancing around doing his thing. Some cringeworthy acting from the little orphans… my dog could do a better Mexican accent. Great soundtrack though, and I’ll agree with Hi-Fi Popcorn about the peculiar track “Real Religious Man” being the highlight.

I would sooner put my head in a vice than watch this again. I realise that Michael Mann, having worked on the original Miami Vice, was trying to get the feel of an 80s TV series - this is a bad idea. Better to modernise it and go for authenticity rather than grasp at nostalgia. A bit more Scarface and a bit less Starsky and Hutch would have been nice.

The quality of movies in the cinema at the moment is shocking, but at least we can look forward to… er… Nacho Libre, and *cough* Snakes on a Plane.

While I’m on the topic of drink advertising, I have to commend Stella Artois on another quality campaign. Saw this one tonight at the cinema:

Incidentally, the movie was Thank You for Smoking - a very entertaining slightly Coen brothers-esque comedy. Its one I would normally have skipped thanks to the terrible title, but it was well worth watching.

I went to see this tonight - haven’t seen any reaction from Irish bloggers since it was released. There was plenty of coverage in the build-up, about winning the Palme D’Or at Cannes and also relating to the tripe that was published in some of England’s newspapers - one step away from labelling Ken Loach a traitor for his depiction of the British soldiers. The film is anti-British, they say that like its a bad thing? As Loach said “we could have shown things that were much worse than are actually in the film” but it would probably end up being too traumatic for a mainstream audience.

I think its criminal that the men who wrote these articles slamming Ken Loach can work for a newspaper. How can you demand that movie makers turn a blind eye to your history? Films like this should be encouraged - and not just about Ireland, but about Kenya, India, and Tasmania for starters. If they are historically accurate then there should be no complaint - how can you possibly whinge about “resurrecting old conflicts” - are we supposed to pretend they didn’t exist?

The fact that this movie is ranked just above Howard the Duck on imdb with a score of 4.7/10 (293 votes) is sickening. I wonder how many people who voted actually saw it. Watching the film reminded me of the recent documentary depicting the burning of Cork by the Black and Tans. They were absolute scum, and the atrocities they committed are well documented. If you want to nitpick about minor historical inaccuracies like the material of Cillian Murphy’s hat, thats fine, but all these English people lashing out blindly make me very angry.

It would be an injustice to the film if I were to attempt to review it - my knowledge of the struggle doesn’t go far beyond junior cert history, a handful of lectures from old people, and Tom Barry’s Guerilla Days in Ireland - so I’ll just give a few thoughts. The film is very well made - from the realistic hurling training at the start right through to the end. I could hear people in the cinema whispering about the inconsistency and inaccuracy of the accents… ranging from Bandon to Bishopstown to mild-Faranree, but thats something relatively few of us would notice and I wouldn’t consider it a drawback. Besides, if they used genuine West Cork accents then most of us would need subtitles.

Some great performances - notably Cillian Murphy, the old woman, and the politician (don’t know who played him but he was perfect). Some dodgy performances - mainly from guys with smaller parts, but there were times when Teddy (Padraic Delaney) did not acquit himself well. Most of these guys never acted before, so it is very impressive with that in mind.

The film was entirely contained in a small parish in West Cork, although news occasionally filters in from other parts of Cork and elsewhere in Ireland. This was really well done, and it also makes you realise that a similar film could be written in dozens of locations in Cork County, and probably elsewhere.

If there was an unfair bias to this film, it certainly wasn’t against the Brits… but I know a lot of Fine Gaelers who won’t be too happy.

What is an Irishman but a nigger turned inside out?

I have been looking forward to this one ever since it got the Sigla thumbs up, it was well worth the wait. I love all of these Australian movies, Mr. Reliable, The Castle, Rabbit Proof Fence… even Wolf Creek although it scared the bejesus out of me.

The Proposition is a gritty Australian western, set in the outback of the 1880’s, following a family of outlaws reminiscent of the Kelly gang. Ignoring the inconsistent Irish accents all-round, Guy Pearce was well cast in the lead role as Charlie Burns, Ray Winstone as “Captain Stanley” was excellent, Arthur Burns (Danny Huston) looks perfect as the villain. Some great characters, the film was really well done, and I would recommend it if you don’t mind seeing a dead body protruding spears “like one of your English hedgehogs”.

The best thing about this film is Nick Cave’s unique stamp. The savage murderer Arthur Burns, who knows his poetry and is so loyal to his brothers. The crazed bounty hunters. The dark fantasy overlay - the badlands where Arthur has made his hide out “the blacks won’t go there”, and the aborigines howl like dogs as they speak of the Arthur’s alleged shape-shifting ability. If I had a million euro, I would commision Nick Cave to write a book. 19th century Australia is the only possible setting for the wildness and brutality in his work, and I have usually associated his songs and stories with this place and time, even if they are supposedly set elsewhere.

I’m reminded of And the Ass Saw the Angel - a book which makes The Wasp Factory resemble a Ladybird Classic. Take all the bad stuff from the settlement in One Hundred Years of Solitude make it ten times worse, and populate it the worst kind of hypocrite Bible freaks that you can find, a few filthy hobos and some scum-of-the-earth drifters and you have something like Ukulore Valley - the setting for Nick Cave’s first and only novel to date.

I have always been horrified but fascinated by some of Nick Cave’s more brutal songs - in particular the likes of “The Mercy Seat” and “Stagger Lee” - these are windows into the world inside Nick Cave’s head that he further reveals in this book. My dog has since eaten the book, but I managed to salvage a couple of quotes.

In 1859, Jonas Ukulore, a Welsh convert to the baptist faith, announced that he was the “Seventh Angel” prophecied in the book of Daniel. Excommunicated, narrowly escaping death, the Prophet Jonas flees with his brother and sets up residence in a secluded valley. Planting sugar cane, they prosper and build a devoted settlement in Ukulite Valley.

The story follows a mute boy Euchrid, born in a burnt out Chevy beside his parents’ junk yard shack. His mother is a vile alcoholic who ties him to a chair and swats him with a fly swatter. His father “has hill in him” - a twisted, inbred man who sets dozens of traps daily, and each evening places the maimed animals into a tank to fight to their death. He fled the “Black Morton Range” where most of his kin was hunted down and killed - If you haven’t read the book, peruse the extract below, an account of one of the Morton clan, and it will give you a good idea as to whether or not this novel will appeal to your taste.

Investigation into the disappearance of the Black Range travellers (the ‘Morton’ was added to the name officially in 1902), led to the discovery and subsequent disposal of one Toad Morton, or as the press-gang tagged him, Black Morton. A low-minded, wart-worried giant, Toad had been driven from the Morton clan by his own kin, after they had found the faimily hog dead in its pen, covered in flies and human teeth marks - its back leg had been bitten clean off. Finding Toad covered in pig-shit and sucking a trotter, they had chased him out of the Morton’s valley to roam the gullies and gulches of the out-hills, a sore Goliath shunned by his own blood, without friend or companion save the league of demons that rubbed and itched amongst the crags and sunless cracks of his bad, mad and unholy brain.

Crouched in ambush on that tricky eastern road, Toad plucked at his pleasure lone-riders befitting his own infernal usage.

Found in a small stone cave bitten from the roadside, stitch naked save for his great outsized boots and a plague of flies …. Toad squatted in the slitted stomach of a warm child, eating loudly the face of her hapless headless father, who sat a good foot off the ground impaled up the ass on a pointed post.

Looking up at the search-party silhouetted in the glare at the mouth of the cave, the great lonely oversized Toad said, gesturing at the carnage, ‘Brothers, ah am found! You have come to bring me home! Pull up thy stool!’ Then a hot tear broke upon each cheek and he smiled warmly up at them, his green teeth filed to wicked points.

BEWARE! MORTON’S MURDER MILE
O world-weery Pilgryms, unburden thy lode
Nowither a Doome mor horrid I know
Than that wich awaits Thee down bluddy roade
Prey! Bewar ol Black Morton. The murdress Toad!

Euchrid’s life has its ups and downs… actually it doesn’t really have any ups, but I’m not going to summarise any of that here. I think by now you will know whether or not you should read this book. Any fan of Nick Cave’s music should not miss it, as some light is shed on the darker offerings that he has produced over the years. “From Her to Eternity” is very much echoed in these pages, and at times we are given momentary vision through the eyes of the killers in the Murder Ballads, and the madness of the Lyre of Orpheus and the Mercy Seat. We see, through the twisted haze of Euchrid’s disturbed mind, the moth as it tries “to enter the bright eye”, the man with the letters tatooed on his knuckles, the place where the wild roses grow, and other familiar flashes here and there which clear at least some of the mystery behind Nick Cave’s dark lyrics.

Despite each of the 312 pages frothing with a sickening kind of horror, this is not one of those Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer experiences. This can only be attributed to the mastery with which Nick Cave presents the subject matter. Consider the lyrics of “Stagger Lee” - some lines could be considered so offensive that I couldn’t echo them here in my blog or I would probably have Blacknight knocking on the door. But each horrible event is wrapped in the darkest kind of humour. This is what I like best about the book - this antidote to the underlying unpleasantness:

“The sun rose and waked the cock. The cock a-doodled and waked the wild dog. The dog gave a ho-o-o-owl and waked the crows, who took to the air, flying low, going ‘caw-caw-caw’ and not stopping till the whole fucken valley was woke. Little wonder every season is open season on crows.”

Perhaps the most enduring impact of the novel is the warped interpretation of the fire-and-brimstone bible. Here is a quote from the novel, as Eucrid looks on from afar as the villagers swarm around the burning church:

“The Ukulites, armed with torches and hay-rakes, looked like ants from where ah was poised, on the rise, near the shack. They barked and chanted and fanned the flames. Ah wondered how they must look to Him, these ants, these frantic specks down below. Ah held out my hand. They were no bigger than mah thumb. Stretching wide the fingers of mah hand, ah saw that it spanned with width of Glory Flats and ah slowly folded mah fingers in, crushing them all, fire and all, in mah fist.
Ah laughed and the valley trembled, ringing with it.”

Here is a quotation from the bible which was the inspiration for the title:

“And the ass saw the angel of Jehovah, and she lay down under Balaam: and Balaam’s anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with his staff.”

To be honest, I don’t know which is freakier.

No, not this one, a real WoW movie. From Reuters:

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - The hugely popular “Warcraft” video games have inspired plans for a live-action feature film set in the epic fantasy universe of orcs, trolls, elves and the undead.

The project is being developed by the creator of the games, Blizzard Entertainment Inc., and producer Legendary Pictures, which acquired the movie rights.

If they don’t have Leroy Jenkins in the lead role then I’m going to boycott.

“Do you see what happens, Larry? Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass??”

I noticed this article today, about a guy who was arrested on Friday after setting fire to the wrong car.

The report states Clark said he started the blaze ‘‘to pay him back for hitting me,’’ referring to an apparent earlier altercation between Clark and Sager, who was using Ingram’s car.

Sounds like a real-life Walter Sobchak